Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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