I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
