so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
