I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
