I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You made out with two different species that night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
