Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
