wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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