does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
