I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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