Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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