Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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