We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My cat gives me a boner
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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