this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
