The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
