when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
