you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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