so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
