checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Pooping to opera.
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