I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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