this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
