the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
