never play flip cup with pint glasses
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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