Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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