Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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