Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
