I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
