I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize