lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
How does one acquire holy water?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
