True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
