I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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