Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
