around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
