it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
