why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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