dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
