i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
