I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
