I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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