So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
