kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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