chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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