You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My breasts were aching with rage.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize