they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
