remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
