Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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