we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize