If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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