nut hugger
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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