Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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