I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
