I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
