I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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