You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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