I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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