Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
