I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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