i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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