someone threw a dead crab at me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
