Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize