so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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