So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
