he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize