My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
