I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i need some magic done to my vagina
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
