she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
