STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
